Thursday January 31 2013 1001 am
Parenting Dilemma: When a Kid Takes a Drink
Posted by Tracy Hahn-Burkett under Parenting on a Daily Basis , The World We Parent In[6] Comments
(Image credit: grifiti via DeviantART.com)
Oh, yuck. Did you shudder when you read the title of this post? I did, and I wrote it. But that’s why we have to talk about it.
First, let me clarify: this post is not about my kid. As most readers know, my kids are eleven and seven. There are no fuzzy lines for me on this topic right now. If I caught one of my kids taking an alcoholic drink tomorrow, I don’t think the situation would pose much of a dilemma.
But. Someday, in some way, it will be about one of my kids. Because though I wish otherwise, I know that my kids are not perfect. They will not always do exactly as I say. As much as I want them always to be good, one (or maybe both) of them will break an important rule someday. And I will have to deal with it, and it will suck.
Second point of clarification: everybody is okay in the following scenario. Nothing major happened, which is why this is a mere parenting dilemma and not a tragedy or an easy, “You lose all of your privileges for a year” kind of situation.
So here’s the dilemma:
Recently, a friend’s teenage son attended a party at his friend’s house. He later told his parents that alcohol had been present at the party, and that he’d had some. Specifically, he said he’d “taken a sip.” He also reported that he’d hated it.
So, parent, what would you do? Reward your son for telling the truth? Punish him for taking a drink of alcohol at a party? Believe that all he’d had was a sip? Call the friend’s parents?
To me, considering this question at a purely hypothetical stage–for now–it seemed clear that my friend’s son ought to be praised for telling the truth. After that, though, the situation became more muddled in my mind. Would I let go the reported sip of alcohol, a clear breaking of the rules–and the law–if my own son told me the truth? Would that encourage him to break more rules later? (Does the measure then become, “What do you imagine you could never tell your mother?”) Would a stern lecture #174 about drinking suffice? But if I punished him, wouldn’t that just discourage him from being truthful in the future? What about calling the friend’s parents to see where they were in all this? If I did that, would my son be less likely to confide in me in the future about all sorts of bad situations?
(Third point of clarification. Yes, I am a worrywart Jewish mother. Put on a little sweater before you leave the house today; it’s cold outside.)
My friend ultimately praised her son for telling the truth, subjected him to that stern lecture about drinking (I don’t know the exact number, but I am guessing it was in the double digits), forbade him from attending events at the same kid’s house in the future and warned him that consequences would be more severe if he repeated the incident. All went well until he asked a month or so later to go to a party at the same kid’s house, and my friend said no. Her son threw a teen tantrum; she held the line.
So, readers, how would you solve this dilemma? Or, if you’ve already got teenagers and have been down this road, please pass on your experience and wisdom to those of us who have yet to arrive there: how have you handled these types of situations? What worked and what didn’t?
January 31st, 2013 at 10:36 am
Very tricky indeed … And just what I would have done. The most important thing to me has been to do whatever I can do to ensure that I create strong and trusting relationships with my kids so that they will talk to me. We also set clear rules and expectations. We trust our kids to do thd right thing and keep us informed. They have discrete plans for bailing out when they find themselves in an unanticipated situation. But when there are known risks … The best bailout plan is another plan altogether. It is not easy to say no you can’t go. But we keep stressing that the consequences are very real snd far reaching. Unfortunately, we have too many examples in our town. I have a few articles to share and an editorial by a high school senior. I’ll send them your way.
January 31st, 2013 at 11:45 am
Oh man. First, that was one brave kid. And although I’d have given a stern (brief) lecture, I’d also give a hug and say how much I loved him… and tell him how and why I was worried (not just praised or lectured him). In my experience, expressing things angrily has been counterproductive.
It’s so hard (and this from a mom who’s been through it… my kids are both over 21 now). I agree with Diana, the best plan is to create strong and trusting relationships with your kids, to keep the line of communications open no matter what. Yes, there will be times they will be tempted. Yes, they will make bad choices (we all do). And they will (probably, if they’re like most kids) be underage drinkers. Yes, you will be scared, disappointed, mad, sad, and more. We held the line, did have serious consequences, and sometimes our kids still made choices we weren’t happy with. But to be honest, I’d never tell my kids they couldn’t return to a friend’s house (unless the dangers were much worse than you described). Our rule was that a responsible (nondrinking, nonserving) parent had to be home… to a point. It’s really not possible to have that expectation with an 18 year old senior about to graduate. And eventually you don’t have a choice but to trust your kids (college) and I’m afraid to say that even then, I’ve been a worrier. My other piece of advice is ALWAYS wait up for your kids, even when they start coming home SUPER late. They know you’ll be up and it allows a time for conversation and also a check to see they aren’t doing things they shouldn’t be doing.
I remember feeling overwhelmed (when my kids were your kids’ age), but as your kids grow up and change, so do you. Things evolve, the conversations change and are much different, and you evolve your parenting with the changes. Parenting has been a continuum for us, and although my kids aren’t perfect, either, they are smart, wonderful, thoughtful, loving, high-achieving adults who make sound choices at least as often as I do.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:05 pm
Thanks Diana & Julia. I agree, the strong relationships and lines of communication are definitely the goal. And Julia, I like what you said about explaining the reasons for your worry (I’ll add that kids probably need to hear these many times before they sink in) in addition to praise and lectures. And, in line with what you pointed out, Diana, they probably need multiple reminders of the very real consequences that can come from underage drinking, too.
One point: The parent was home at the party in question. I don’t know if that changes your answers at all.
And yes, staying up until your kids come home sounds like an excellent–if tiring–idea.
February 1st, 2013 at 10:20 am
In France kids drink wine (with water) at the dinner table from the age of eleven. My own son was allowed a small low alcohol beer during parties at our house from about fifteen, and it was never an issue. If alcohol isn’t set up as this big monster, or the Forbidden Fruit, then unless your child has alcoholic tendencies it probably won’t be a problem. My son (now 21) looked with distain on those friends of his who, from the (legal uk drinking) age of 18 were suddenly unleased onto alcohol and drank everything in sight. He never took to excessive drinking for entertainment. Maybe I was lucky, maybe he was more intelligent. But my philosophy was always trust him and always keep the communication channels open no matter what.
February 1st, 2013 at 11:01 am
If the parent was home? UGH. Yes, then I definitely agree and would say never again at that home (and that parent should be reported to the police–someone in the next town over to us was arrested for serving alcohol to high school students).
February 4th, 2013 at 8:21 pm
Thursa, I’ve often wondered how things might be different if we lived in a culture that approached alcohol differently. Would more kids have a healthier attitude toward alcohol if it weren’t presented to them as such a forbidden fruit? I don’t know the answer to that question.
But the fact is, aside from the binge drinking that is a reality among kids in the U.S. as well as the potentially deadly hazards of drunk driving, there are many other real, potential consequences kids might face for drinking underage in this country. They need to understand the risks and consequences of the behavior in the country in which they are living.