Thursday December 16 2010 1239 pm
Reasoning and Chores with a Five-Year-Old (and Other Frustrations)
Posted by Tracy Hahn-Burkett under Domesticity , Education & Learning , Out of the Mouths of My Kids , Parenting on a Daily Basis[6] Comments
(Photo credit: Zach Klein via Flickr.com)
Have you got a nightly routine at home with your kids? Here’s one of my mine, and I’m not sure I can take much more of it. (Necessary background here: Five-year-old “Emmie” does not like to be told what to do. Ever. Even if it’s something she likes. It is amazing that this child doesn’t share my biology, because wow, in this respect she is so much like me.)
Each evening, at some point I observe the state of simmering pots and pans around me and determine that I’m approximately ten or fifteen minutes from presenting dinner to my family. Thus I know it’s time to set the table, which is one of Emmie’s few chores. (The actual clock time for this event varies, depending on our schedule for the day, what I’m cooking, etc.)
Me: “Emmie, it’s time to set the table.”
Emmie: Rolls on the ground while emitting high-pitched, wave-like, whale tones, similar to the language spoken by Dory in Finding Nemo. “Don’t tell me ‘It’s time to set the table.’ I already know!”
I wait and take deep, preparatory breaths, because I know what’s coming next.
Emmie makes no further movements and continues to hum low-register whale tones.
“Emmie, set the table now, please.”
“Don’t tell me that! I already know!”
“If you know, then why aren’t you setting the table?”
“Because you told me, and I already know!”
Having seen this movie repeatedly, I’m done. “Emmie, you couldn’t possibly know when it’s time to set the table, because I don’t know when it’s time to set the table until, well, it’s time to set the table. It’s okay for me to tell you when it’s time to set the table. And now is the time, and I’ve already told you more than once, so get up right now and set the table!”
“WAAAAAAAHHHHH!”
The audio assault begins, Emmie stomps into the bathroom to wash her hands, I reach for a bottle of wine and begin finishing off dinner with a dash of anger, Emmie starts slamming plates on the table one by one.
Fun, huh? Want to come over sometime?
This whole scene could be avoided, of course, if Emmie set the table ahead of time on her own, but she needs me to get the plates and things down for her and we’ve got a small kitchen with little counter space, so I can only do this once I’ve been able to clear away the dinner prep materials. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that perhaps she genuinely didn’t understand how this whole process works, so perhaps I ought to keep my frustration in check and help her think it through. Therefore, one evening when the protest began, I channeled all my tension to my wrist. With a death grip on my spatula, I asked her, in a very even voice, “Honey, how do you know it’s time to set the table?”
“I just do!”
“But I don’t even know exactly when dinner will be, and I’m cooking it. So how can you know?”
“Because you tell me! Arrgh!” She clenched her fists, presumably realizing what she’d said.
“You see, honey? I do need to tell you—”
“NO! I know when it’s time to set the table!”
Oy.
This entire exchange is like a nightly leap into a vortex I can’t escape. I know it’s coming, I know it’s going to leave debris in the form of a headache for me and resentment for both of us, but there doesn’t seem to be any way out of it.
Now here’s why this seemingly petty exchange over table-setting is worthy of a whole blog post, and why, though I could probably come up with a few creative ways to achieve a set table without all of the accompanying frustration, I haven’t been willing to go crazy: I think a mom ought to be able to tell her child to perform an age-appropriate chore, straight up, and the kid ought to listen.
I’m not a strict disciplinarian, and anyone who knows my family knows that respect is the number one value around here, including respect for the kids’ points of view. But—and I’ve written about this before—our playgrounds and schools as well as our workplaces are full of kids and young adults who don’t understand responsibility, who believe in entitlements and who think they deserve gratitude even before they’ve really worked to earn it. I don’t want to raise kids who turn out this way, and I think that result begins with a young child who understands that she needs to contribute to her family and her household in a way that she’s been assigned—when she’s told to do so.
So, what do you think? Am I being a mean, stubborn mommy here, or should I stand firm (and maybe just reach for another glass of wine)?
December 16th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Before I get into my own more nuanced response, I’ll state up front that my dear husband TOTALLY agrees with you. He has long insisted that upon being asked to do something, a kid should hop right to it, no questions asked. (BTW, he felt the same way when each of our kids was two!)
In reality, though, fear not: it never works in our house, either. Especially not with our more stubborn, older son, age 11. I ultimately concluded that it’s more a matter of each kids’ personality than anything else. Eager to please? Then it’s a no-brainer. Stubborn and opinionated? Get out the boxing gloves, and watch that wrist.
December 16th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Can you make table-setting the first order of business when she gets home from school? Or could the dishes, etc. be ON the table when she arrives home so she can choose a time to get the table set on her own?
As the parent of TWO willful, stubborn, argumentative children (who will surely be winning cases in front of the Supreme Court someday), I hear your pain! And I agree that in theory the kids SHOULD hop to the minute you (me!) ask them to do something…but in practical terms, with kids like this, I find that I have to adjust the way in which I ask them to do things in order to get things done.
December 17th, 2010 at 8:54 am
Sharon, Debbie, I just don’t know. I get that complaining about chores is part of being a kid, but so is learning that ultimately, you’ve just got to take care of your responsibilities. I’m still on the fence with regard to making this easier for her.
December 20th, 2010 at 5:15 pm
Tracy, nice new digs! It’s changed since I’ve been here.
Re the parenting: there must be something in the air lately, because I’ve probably had more conversations about kid-related frustration (or had them myself) than typical.
Do you want a suggestion from pragmatic Jan? The one who gives you full permission to ignore everything she says?
If you’re asking age-appropriate things of your child in reasonable quantities, that’s completely your right, IMHO.
What has worked for me in similar circumstances:
When she does, calmly and firmly direct her to her room.
1. Clear expectations: For example, “When I tell you it’s time to set the table, you have five minutes to do it. I’ll set the timer and before it goes, I expect you to be helping. See if you can beat it! If you fuss or don’t come in the five minutes, you’ll have a timeout in your room until you’re ready to help.”
2. Follow through. Sounds like she’ll test you, and gosh, isn’t it great that she hasn’t had her spirit sucked out of her yet?
The general rule of timeouts is a minute per year of age, then it’s over when you ask them why they had the timeout and they have to explain what rule they breached. Sometimes they’ll act clueless. If they do, then you remind them of the reason and give them another few minutes of time out. Repeat until they can explain. (eg. “Mommy told you it was time to set the table and you didn’t do what you were told” or “You fussed when I asked for your help.”)
The goal, then, isn’t punishment per se, but clear expectation, discipline, and an understanding about the reason they are sitting bored in their room.
The brighter they are, the more they’ll resist the first few times. Also, the faster they’ll catch on.
Hope that helps and, as I said, feel free to ignore!
A book that saved my bacon when my kids were younger was Children: The Challenge. I think it was written by Dreikurs. Now that I have two teenagers, I think I need a different book.
December 20th, 2010 at 11:50 pm
Yup, I’m thinking I need to be clearer and better on the follow-through when it comes to time-outs and consequences. I did this better when the kids were younger, but I may have fallen into the trap of thinking that logic could play a larger role at this point. What was I thinking??
December 21st, 2010 at 12:46 am
If she’s bright, logic probably works 99% of the time. That’s a good thing.
Have a wonderful holiday season, Tracy.