UnchartedParent.com

Not long ago, I received an email invitation for eleven-year-old “Jack.” The mother of one of Jack’s friends was inviting him to a sleepover party. The invitation included the usual details: date, time, activities planned and so on.

One line grabbed my attention: “Please let us know if your child has any allergies, special food requirements, off-limits video games, etc…” (Emphasis added.)

I was surprised–and impressed.

Of all the invitations Jack has received, this is the first one that essentially said, “We may have different rules in our house than you do, and we want to give you the opportunity to weigh in before your child is exposed to something you would prefer he not be.” In fairness, many, if not most, of Jack’s friends parents don’t have these games in their houses, so such a question in other invitations might not be necessary. But in a world where it seems fewer people consider others’ points of view every day, I give major credit to this mom for recognizing that what’s okay with her, for her kids, might not be acceptable to her kid’s friends’ parents and for reaching out to them to ask.

The result? Jack’s friend’s mom told me that about half of the parents (including me) reported that violent video games were off-limits for their kids, and so those games were not part of the sleepover party.

This mom and I disagree about whether violent video games are okay for kids. But I respect and appreciate her for being considerate enough to ask about my kid.

I know, you think I have lost it. You believe I’ve journeyed to that part of the galaxy where grown men and women whom you think of as ordinary neighbors, coworkers and such suddenly sneak off on a Saturday morning sporting Vulcan ears or muttering in Klingon–a language that someone has actually taken the trouble to invent, for crying out loud–and gather in convention centers the size of space docks to worship aging actors dressed as imaginary space voyagers. And now I’m trying to pull a parenting lesson out of it and take you with me.

Well, the last sentence is true. But stick with me on this, because as sure as the Horta* was a determined mother, there are values I want my kids to learn and I found one in this movie.

**WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD**

I saw Star Trek into Darkness with my husband last week. It was filled with bravado, bad guys versus good guys, explosions, multiple references to Trek culture and to our own, real world. Just like all the Star Trek movies. It was a fun romp, even if the plot was a bit tired. But even though I thought eleven-year-old “Jack” might have enjoyed the movie, it never occurred to me to recommend it to him–until Kirk’s mentor, Captain Pike, died. Kirk grieved his loss, and I realized that the men’s relationship demonstrated something many kids don’t get to learn today.

We live in a time and place where parents battle teachers over bad grades, demand that coaches give their kids more playing time on a field, insist that there’s no way their kids could have exhibited the poor behavior for which they’ve been disciplined. Kids are often praised for being smart instead of working hard, parents complete homework projects and tough or grumpy teachers are often considered a problem for parents to deal with rather than a learning opportunity for students.

The fictitious Captain Pike isn’t easy on bad-boy James Kirk. (more…)

Sound familiar?

Today I’ve got a links roundup for you. Some fascinating articles have come out in the parenting world this week, and a few of them dovetail nicely with what’s been going on in my own house. I actually used the advice in one the same day I read it. Below you’ll find useful tips, a recommendation, and–don’t say I didn’t warn you–an example of truly abysmal human behavior.

• “‘It’s Not Fair!’ How to Stop Victim Mentality and Thinking in Kids and Teens” – Hands up if you hear this one from your kid. Okay you, the one with your hands down: kudos. Everyone else: read this. From Empowering Parents comes an article that I literally needed yesterday, and it gave me the tools to help explain to my eleven-year-old son the difference between someone who is targeting him and someone who is merely a grumpy person. It also helped me first empathize with his feelings, then start to work through steps to help him consider his own solutions to his problems and see that he has options for responses, even though he can’t necessarily change other people’s behavior. Problems solved? No. But it was a good beginning.

• “How Could a Sweet Third-Grader Just Cheat on That School Exam?” – A Wall Street Journal article examines a question that often elicits horror, denial or both from many parents who find themselves confronted with the fact that their young kids have cheated in school. I know, because recently my own second-grader did something with her schoolwork she shouldn’t have, and I was appalled. But this article explains why it can be harder than we think for kids to understand where the lines between right and wrong are, and it offers tips for how to make those lines clearer.

• “Mira Ptacin: Is Baby a Luxury?” (more…)

Mount Vernon, George Washington’s home. (Photo credit: AFagen via Flickr.com)

Last summer, I ran a list of 12 Uncharted Tips for visiting Washington, D.C. with kids. We just returned from another visit to the city in which I lived and worked for ten years, and we were able to delve a bit deeper into its many offerings. Each trip back with the kids is a learning experience, so here I share my latest set of tips and ideas for visiting Washington D.C. with kids:

*If you can manage it, visit Washington, D.C. in the springtime. The emergence of the pink, cottony cherry blossoms that heralds the end of winter seems to lighten both the atmosphere and the spirits of the city’s residents (except for members of Congress, but that’s another story). Following the cherry blossoms, D.C.’s mild, not-yet-sweltering temperatures bring out tulips, lilacs, dogwoods and azaleas in rapid succession, everywhere you go. Especially if you’re traveling from a place like New England where the four seasons are sometimes known as winter, winter, winter and road construction, a spring visit to D.C. provides a welcome salve to the winter-chapped soul.

*Tourist food: Do as I say, not as I do. In my last set of tips, I advised you to bring your own food to tourist sites like the Air & Space Museum in order to avoid paying the absurd concession prices for junk food. This is solid advice you should follow. Ahem. I did not do this. Thus we paid $4.00 per slice of pizza at the National Zoo, which I found appalling until we paid $7.00 for a slice of pizza at Mount Vernon. Someone make me go to the grocery store before sightseeing next time, or at least to an off-premises Subway sandwich shop. Yikes.

*We were able to take in a few sights with our 11 and 8-year-old kids that we wouldn’t have tried in earlier years. When the kids were younger, they might have fussed too much and/or simply wouldn’t have appreciated a tour of the U.S. Capitol building–including a visit to the House of Representatives Gallery and the old Supreme Court Chamber or a trip to the National Archives to see the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights (and a 1297 copy of the Magna Carta). And yes, certain aspects of the history-filled Capitol were lost on them. But they are old enough to understand the building’s importance, they loved some of the stories they heard and eleven-year-old “Jack” was fascinated by the Whisper Chamber, where two people can stand in specific spots on opposite sides of the room and whisper a conversation to each other. Also, we were fortunate to be given a rare dome tour of the building, where we climbed the 300 or so steps to the top of the Capitol’s dome. When we stepped outside at the top–and I swear on my American heart I am not making this up–a bald eagle flew in front of us, circled for a bit, then soared off over the city’s horizon.

The old Supreme Court chamber in the U.S. Capitol building.

*The National Museum of American History was a sleeper hit. (more…)

(Photo credit: kbowenwriter via Flickr.com)

First, an announcement: As we say here in New England, I am wicked excited to share with you the news that I’ve been awarded an Artists Entrepreneurial Grant by the New Hampshire State Council on the Arts. Part of what the grant will fund is a renovation of this blog, so if you see scaffolding going up in the coming weeks or months, that’s why. I’ll let you know if you need to wear a hardhat when you’re on site.

Second, a totally judgmental calling out and tip for parents in restaurants: If your children are a) standing at my table with one of their chins over my child’s head, as if to join my family; b) following patrons into the bathroom and harassing them; c) tripping the waitstaff in the aisles; d) chucking toys (or items from tables) over the ledge separating the brick oven area from the dining area; e) wandering into the entrance area and interfering with the ability of the hostess to greet customers such that waiters have to escort your child back to his table; and f) traveling from unoccupied table to unoccupied table throughout the restaurant, without regard to neighboring patrons, and running toy cars on said tables, playing games there, etc., while you do not once turn your head to check on your children nor reprimand them in any way, then you are not doing an adequate job of parenting your children during dinner.

Yes, as I said at the beginning, I understand I’m being judgmental here. But honestly, I couldn’t believe my eyes. When I see behavior in this vein, I try to remind myself, even if I’m annoyed, that perhaps I don’t know the whole story. Maybe there is a special need I don’t know about, or perhaps the parents have had a terrible week due to a situation I can’t even imagine and this is their one, much needed break. But I found it hard to invent excuses for this complete disregard of everyone else in the restaurant.

Okay, enough time on my high horse. Moving on…

Books. Two nights ago, when eleven-year-old “Jack” and I finished reading The Hobbit, I realized with dismay that I had no book lying in wait for the following evening. Jack is selective about what he’ll read, so I knew I had a bit of work in front of me to find something acceptable if we were going to start a new book right away. (My own recommendation is not sufficient to sell a book to Jack; in fact, it often has the opposite effect. How old is he again?)

I asked Jack what qualities he’d like in our next book.

“Adventure. Suspense.” (more…)

(Seaside Heights. Photo credit: NBC’s Brian Thompson)

I’m not going to attempt to say anything profound about Sandy.  Unless you’re still living without power, you’ve seen the photos.  (And if you are still living without power, you’re probably not reading this blog and you don’t need me to tell you anything.)

In the wake of this devastation, there are rainbows:

First, emergency personnel–or first responders, as we’ve come to call them–acted heroically, as did nurses and others who saved patients when hospital backup systems failed in New York City.  Really, we can’t give these people enough respect, and that’s true at all times, not only when a natural or manmade disaster has just occurred.

Second, public officials on multiple levels did their jobs and did them well–and are still doing so.  We should give credit to every Democrat, Republican and Independent who, even if they didn’t erase politics from their minds completely, put human suffering first and did what they were elected to do.

Third, as we’ve seen over and over again in our recent history, Americans who don’t need help themselves are looking for ways to help others.  If you are one of the lucky ones, here are a few of the places you can go to contribute:

• The American Red Cross has been on the ground from the first moment possible providing relief to hurricane victims.  They need funds and blood.  You can donate to the Red Cross’s Disaster Relief Fund here, or text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10.  You can learn more about donating blood and make an appointment here.

• The Salvation Army is also engaged in relief efforts up and down the East Coast.  You can donate here and follow the SA’s efforts on their blog.  You can also donate $10 quickly by texting STORM to 80888 (you will need to confirm the donation).

• AmeriCares is providing medicine and other medical supplies and humanitarian supplies to people in need.  Donate here.

• The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA).  Don’t forget our four-legged family members!  The ASPCA is working hard to care for pets in evacuation centers, help reconnect people with missing pets, locate and care for  animals left behind by people who evacuated without their pets and more.  Click here to follow their efforts; click here to donate. (more…)

(Here’s something you don’t see every day: an orangutan playing video games.)

I lived in the Washington, D.C. area for a total of ten years before moving to New Hampshire, and I always swore I would never return during the sub-tropical, summer months as a tourist.  So naturally, that’s just what my husband and I did last July.  We packed up the minivan, tossed in the nine and six-year-olds and motored down I-95 to join the sweaty hordes and show the kids our former home city.

With the perspectives of both a former area resident and a family-minded tourist, I’ve got some tips to share with you if you plan to visit our nation’s capital with your kids:

*The two, absolute, must-visit places with young kids are The National Zoo and the Museum of Natural History.  Both are free.  Don’t plan any other activities for the days you plan to visit these.  I’m serious.

*For the National Zoo, wear very, very comfortable shoes.  Bring your own stroller if your kids are really young or make sure to obtain one from the Zoo when you get there.  The Zoo is hilly (by the end of the day, you will say, “mountainous”) and if it is summer, you will sweat.  But I can’t emphasize enough how much some kids, like mine, love the Zoo.  We got there when it opened, left when it closed, and still the kids insisted we return a second day.   An unadvertised secret: just outside the park gates at the top of the Zoo, across Connecticut Avenue, sits a Starbucks.  You can purchase iced coffee there on summer days when it’s a billion degrees outside and bring this elixir back inside the Zoo with you.  I’m pretty sure this saved my life or at least my sanity last July.

*We also stayed at the Museum of Natural History open-to-close.  You’ll find there something for everyone, as the museum includes everything from dinosaurs to a jewel room containing the famed Hope Diamond.  There’s even an insect petting zoo.  What you will not find there is elbow room.

*Speaking of crowds: Tourists visit D.C. year-round, of course, but the densest crowds converge on the city beginning with the emergence of the cherry blossoms in late March and run through Labor Day weekend.  (How so many people are able to drop everything and rush to Washington from all over the world the moment the cherry blossoms burst open is something I’ve never been able to understand.  Don’t these people have jobs?  School?  Other obligations at home?)

*Unless you enjoy spending unspeakably large amounts of money for McDonald’s food, bring your own lunch to the Air & Space Museum.  McDonald’s (along with two other fast-food restaurants) runs the concession there, but the prices are higher than elsewhere.  It cost us $53 and change for lunch for four people.  For McDonald’s.

*If you want to tour the Capitol and/or the White House, contact your member of Congress ahead of time.  His or her office can often arrange tours for you.

*Got older kids? (more…)

We finally did it.  We boarded a plane–a couple of planes, actually–and brought our children to the land of Mouse Ears and all things sparkly: Disney World.

My children are now The Happiest Children on Earth.  (This buys me good behavior for at least a month, right?  Right?)  We walked for miles through four theme parks every day for six days, devoting ourselves to their entertainment.  To be fair, we grownups had great fun as well, even if I did have to make a nighttime run to the nearby Nike outlet to buy new sneakers because my feet definitely were not feeling the magic.  But my kids.  Oh.  Between rides at various Disney parks and Universal Studios that twisted you upside-down and left you soaking wet, and the artistic imagery of It’s a Small World, both ten-year-old “Jack” and seven-year-old “Emmie” found numerous outlets to fulfill their wishes.

Plus we let them eat absurd amounts of spaghetti, hamburgers and candy all week.  Kid heaven.

Naturally, I do have a few less typical observations to share with you.  Here are some high–and low–notes from our week in the Most Magical Place on Earth:

• First thing I observed as we pulled up to our hotel: a jock strap sailing off an upper-floor balcony, then drifting to a gentle landing in the hotel’s front courtyard.  I spent some time considering whether this was a bad sign for the week to come or, perhaps, a really good one. (more…)

Got a kid who loves basketball?  Sports in general?  Maybe even looks up to Celtics guard Ray Allen?  Have I got a story for you.

We all know that sports figures don’t play 24/7.  What do they do with the rest of their time?  Frequently, the answers to that question make parents cringe.  But look for Allen off the court, and apparently you’ll often find him with his nose in a book.  Read this Boston Globe article, then print it out and give it to your kid.  (Or just direct them to the article on your smartphone or iPad, which you know is more often in your kid’s hands than yours, anyway.)

In another kid-book recommendation, I have to point you in the direction of The Ultimate Top Secret Guide to Taking Over the World, by Kenn Nesbitt.  It’s not great literature, but I can tell you this: ten-year-old “Jack” is reading the book now, and I can literally hear him laughing from the other side of the house.  Any book that brings this much joy to my child gets a thumbs-up from me.

Side note: This is an unusually short post for me.  My brain is functioning at reduced capacity as a result of a steady diet over the past few days consisting of nothing but matzoh, inadequate condiments spread on the matzoh and Easter candy.  Really, I’m amazed I’m able to sit upright and form sentences at all.  Counting the minutes, I am, until Pizza and Pancakes Saturday night.

(Photo credit: courosa via Flickr.com)

Since I wrote in February about our decision to allow ten-year-old “Jack” to have an email account, a number of people have asked me about the rules I said Jack would acquire along with his new privilege.

My husband and I did indeed draw up a list of rules to go with Jack’s email account.  We posted them above the family computer (which is in a public area of the house–not his room).  I offer them here to anyone who may find them useful in setting rules for your own child.

A few points to consider regarding the list of rules below:

• There are seventeen rules here.  Yes, seventeen.  My son does well with structure.  If he finds himself in a gray area, he likes to be able to look up a rule and figure out where he stands.  (The child of two lawyers–go figure.)  If your child prefers a less structured environment, you might want to pare down the list.

• Most of the seventeen rules boil down to three basic principles:

• Protect your personal information; 
• Don’t click on anything or talk to anyone without permission; and
• At this stage of your life, you have no online privacy with respect to your parents.

• A few of these rules will mean little to a ten-year-old unless you talk about them.  For example, we had to explain rule #10 to Jack.  We will have that conversation with him many more times over the course of his adolescent and teen years.

Jack’s Email Rules

1. We have to approve an address before you’re allowed to email with someone, open an email from someone new or add someone to your address book.
2. If you don’t recognize an address in your inbox, don’t touch the email & come get one of us.
3. No opening attachments or clicking on links without approval.
4. We can and will access your emails at any time.  You must give us your password(s). (more…)