Merry Christmas! (Or, as you prefer to say, Happy Holidays! Although we didn’t really get that whole food-fried-in-oil thing, especially as you wouldn’t let us have any, but maybe we can hope for better on New Year’s Eve?) Tis the season for love and family and hoping and sharing, so we want to do our part. We’ve been together now for almost seven months (can you believe it?), and we’ve had a chance to evaluate things around here. So here’s a list of what we, your beloved pets, would like for Christmas:
- A change in the meal schedule: You people eat all day long. Don’t try to convince us otherwise; we watch you. Open the refrigerator, close the refrigerator, shove more chocolate in your mouths. It never stops. Yet we get a meager pile of dry kibble twice per day and you call it “breakfast” and “dinner.” Seriously? We gaze at you, we actually COMMUNICATE such that you tell each other, “Oh, look, they’re hungry,” and then you DON’T feed us until it’s time for more dusty kibble again. That’s cruel and unusual, that is. Think about it.
- Related: we don’t “love” the new adult cat food. It sucks less than the kitten food, that’s all. And, as pointed out above, we’re hungry. Why do you think Meatball is always eating garbage, carpet fibers, bits of plastic, straw, etc.? Do you think she enjoys puking? She’s just trying to find something palatable. Do better. (And stop calling her, “Meatball the Goat.” That’s just mean.)
- Regarding those names: Spaghetti and Meatball. “Aw, how cute.” Yeah, right. How’d you like to be called, we don’t know, Ham-hock? That’s what we thought. Cats are dignified creatures, remember? “Her Majesty” and “Diva” are names you might consider. Just as a for-instance.
- Toys: You keep throwing out our favorites. Plus, you plugged up our main supply line. Now it’s harder than it used to be for us to find the live mice. We’re sure this is an error, so if you would be ever so kind and fix this, we’d appreciate it.
- More boxes, bags and dangly things. Obviously.
- It’s come to our attention that you don’t always appreciate our affections. This hurts our feelings. When Spaghetti kneads your throat in the middle of the night, she’s just telling you she loves you. Those gasping sounds make it seem like you don’t love her back.
- Decorating: could we just have a small say in the decor for the house? It’s odd to us that you want your original dining-room chair back, because we really think it looks better like this:
- We know we’re supposed to be “indoor cats,” but the white stuff looks fluffy and fun. We can haz snow?
- Take. The collars. Off.
- As soon as those radiator-things began to hiss, you started up some cruel game where you say you’re going to pet us, and then you zap us with a tiny spark of electricity from your fingers. What kind of sadists are you? Stop this immediately.
- Here’s one where we can help you out: you’re always complaining that the house is too cluttered, yet the place is littered (ha, littered!) with scratching posts. Take them away; the furniture will do just fine for our purposes.
- Lastly, there is not The Tuna every day. Clearly this is an oversight and we look forward to its immediate rectificationationationation. (Sorry, our claws got stuck in the keyboard.)
Thank you so much for granting our Christmas wishes, and we wish you a very purry Christmas.