UnchartedParent.com

Uncharted Parent is on hiatus this week. I’ll be back next week with a new post, as soon as I remove the kittens from the lampshade and speed up their training as mousers, which, apparently, is now necessary in our house. Get off the keyboard, kitties–that’s my job. You’ve got other responsibilities…

Not long ago, I received an email invitation for eleven-year-old “Jack.” The mother of one of Jack’s friends was inviting him to a sleepover party. The invitation included the usual details: date, time, activities planned and so on.

One line grabbed my attention: “Please let us know if your child has any allergies, special food requirements, off-limits video games, etc…” (Emphasis added.)

I was surprised–and impressed.

Of all the invitations Jack has received, this is the first one that essentially said, “We may have different rules in our house than you do, and we want to give you the opportunity to weigh in before your child is exposed to something you would prefer he not be.” In fairness, many, if not most, of Jack’s friends parents don’t have these games in their houses, so such a question in other invitations might not be necessary. But in a world where it seems fewer people consider others’ points of view every day, I give major credit to this mom for recognizing that what’s okay with her, for her kids, might not be acceptable to her kid’s friends’ parents and for reaching out to them to ask.

The result? Jack’s friend’s mom told me that about half of the parents (including me) reported that violent video games were off-limits for their kids, and so those games were not part of the sleepover party.

This mom and I disagree about whether violent video games are okay for kids. But I respect and appreciate her for being considerate enough to ask about my kid.

(These faces are why they will get away with destroying my living room.)

It’s been over a year since our beloved cat, Charlie, passed away. Since then, the house has definitely felt not quite right. No one runs to the door to greet us when we come home, no one walks on my head in the middle of the night, no one speaks a language comprised of tail shapes, guttural sounds and positions of the back. No one says, in her own calming way, “I know you’ve had a rotten day, but if you would simply put that aside and pay attention to me, you’ll feel better.” Oddly, this technique usually works.

On Tuesday, we got the “kitten call” from one of the local animal shelters with which we’d filed applications. In our area, the shelters all work on a first-come, first-served basis even after they call you, so I ran to the car in my unshowered, disheveled, writerly state, and high-tailed it to the shelter. (Pun intended.)

There I was introduced to these two charming girls, eight or nine weeks old, who were deeply engaged in the activity of chewing on each other’s faces: (more…)

I know, you think I have lost it. You believe I’ve journeyed to that part of the galaxy where grown men and women whom you think of as ordinary neighbors, coworkers and such suddenly sneak off on a Saturday morning sporting Vulcan ears or muttering in Klingon–a language that someone has actually taken the trouble to invent, for crying out loud–and gather in convention centers the size of space docks to worship aging actors dressed as imaginary space voyagers. And now I’m trying to pull a parenting lesson out of it and take you with me.

Well, the last sentence is true. But stick with me on this, because as sure as the Horta* was a determined mother, there are values I want my kids to learn and I found one in this movie.

**WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD**

I saw Star Trek into Darkness with my husband last week. It was filled with bravado, bad guys versus good guys, explosions, multiple references to Trek culture and to our own, real world. Just like all the Star Trek movies. It was a fun romp, even if the plot was a bit tired. But even though I thought eleven-year-old “Jack” might have enjoyed the movie, it never occurred to me to recommend it to him–until Kirk’s mentor, Captain Pike, died. Kirk grieved his loss, and I realized that the men’s relationship demonstrated something many kids don’t get to learn today.

We live in a time and place where parents battle teachers over bad grades, demand that coaches give their kids more playing time on a field, insist that there’s no way their kids could have exhibited the poor behavior for which they’ve been disciplined. Kids are often praised for being smart instead of working hard, parents complete homework projects and tough or grumpy teachers are often considered a problem for parents to deal with rather than a learning opportunity for students.

The fictitious Captain Pike isn’t easy on bad-boy James Kirk. (more…)

Sound familiar?

Today I’ve got a links roundup for you. Some fascinating articles have come out in the parenting world this week, and a few of them dovetail nicely with what’s been going on in my own house. I actually used the advice in one the same day I read it. Below you’ll find useful tips, a recommendation, and–don’t say I didn’t warn you–an example of truly abysmal human behavior.

• “‘It’s Not Fair!’ How to Stop Victim Mentality and Thinking in Kids and Teens” – Hands up if you hear this one from your kid. Okay you, the one with your hands down: kudos. Everyone else: read this. From Empowering Parents comes an article that I literally needed yesterday, and it gave me the tools to help explain to my eleven-year-old son the difference between someone who is targeting him and someone who is merely a grumpy person. It also helped me first empathize with his feelings, then start to work through steps to help him consider his own solutions to his problems and see that he has options for responses, even though he can’t necessarily change other people’s behavior. Problems solved? No. But it was a good beginning.

• “How Could a Sweet Third-Grader Just Cheat on That School Exam?” – A Wall Street Journal article examines a question that often elicits horror, denial or both from many parents who find themselves confronted with the fact that their young kids have cheated in school. I know, because recently my own second-grader did something with her schoolwork she shouldn’t have, and I was appalled. But this article explains why it can be harder than we think for kids to understand where the lines between right and wrong are, and it offers tips for how to make those lines clearer.

• “Mira Ptacin: Is Baby a Luxury?” (more…)

(Recognize this perfect family? Guess what? It wasn’t real.)

Recently, it has come to my attention that some parents awaken each morning to the joy of perfect, sunny children who always do what they’re told or, if they do misbehave, respond quickly to loving, gentle correction. These parents never raise their voices, never have a drink at 5:00 unless their rosy-cheeked children are in the care of a trusted babysitter they’ve known for years, never leave the house with a toddler attached to one shin and mascara smudged under one eye. They embrace the joy in every stage, every day of parenthood, wishing only that the clock afforded them more hours with their precious little ones. Yes, they’d like more time for sleep and adult interests, but they never have days when they really think about the activities they miss and wish they could have them back. In short, they are the people who say about parenting, “It’s all good.”

I think these parents are lying, very possibly to themselves. And they’re giving complexes to parents, especially new parents, who feel otherwise.

Parenting is not “all good.” Yes, it’s wondrous, enlightening, life-giving and loving beyond anything I could have imagined before I became a parent. In parenting, all the things you’ve heard are true. You will find energy and strength you didn’t know you had. You will hold something tiny and feel more love for it than all of the love one universe can contain. You will laugh in amazement at your own wit come back at you from the lips of your child, marvel at her accomplishments that already reach beyond what you could achieve and never tire of speculating about her future.

But all of the other things you have heard about parenting are also true. (more…)

Mount Vernon, George Washington’s home. (Photo credit: AFagen via Flickr.com)

Last summer, I ran a list of 12 Uncharted Tips for visiting Washington, D.C. with kids. We just returned from another visit to the city in which I lived and worked for ten years, and we were able to delve a bit deeper into its many offerings. Each trip back with the kids is a learning experience, so here I share my latest set of tips and ideas for visiting Washington D.C. with kids:

*If you can manage it, visit Washington, D.C. in the springtime. The emergence of the pink, cottony cherry blossoms that heralds the end of winter seems to lighten both the atmosphere and the spirits of the city’s residents (except for members of Congress, but that’s another story). Following the cherry blossoms, D.C.’s mild, not-yet-sweltering temperatures bring out tulips, lilacs, dogwoods and azaleas in rapid succession, everywhere you go. Especially if you’re traveling from a place like New England where the four seasons are sometimes known as winter, winter, winter and road construction, a spring visit to D.C. provides a welcome salve to the winter-chapped soul.

*Tourist food: Do as I say, not as I do. In my last set of tips, I advised you to bring your own food to tourist sites like the Air & Space Museum in order to avoid paying the absurd concession prices for junk food. This is solid advice you should follow. Ahem. I did not do this. Thus we paid $4.00 per slice of pizza at the National Zoo, which I found appalling until we paid $7.00 for a slice of pizza at Mount Vernon. Someone make me go to the grocery store before sightseeing next time, or at least to an off-premises Subway sandwich shop. Yikes.

*We were able to take in a few sights with our 11 and 8-year-old kids that we wouldn’t have tried in earlier years. When the kids were younger, they might have fussed too much and/or simply wouldn’t have appreciated a tour of the U.S. Capitol building–including a visit to the House of Representatives Gallery and the old Supreme Court Chamber or a trip to the National Archives to see the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights (and a 1297 copy of the Magna Carta). And yes, certain aspects of the history-filled Capitol were lost on them. But they are old enough to understand the building’s importance, they loved some of the stories they heard and eleven-year-old “Jack” was fascinated by the Whisper Chamber, where two people can stand in specific spots on opposite sides of the room and whisper a conversation to each other. Also, we were fortunate to be given a rare dome tour of the building, where we climbed the 300 or so steps to the top of the Capitol’s dome. When we stepped outside at the top–and I swear on my American heart I am not making this up–a bald eagle flew in front of us, circled for a bit, then soared off over the city’s horizon.

The old Supreme Court chamber in the U.S. Capitol building.

*The National Museum of American History was a sleeper hit. (more…)

(Image credit: hahatango via Flickr.com)

I remember these feelings.

They come too easily, slide into the place that isn’t supposed to be there, but was carved out eleven-and-a-half years ago and has since worn a groove into our brains, our hearts and our nerves. September 11 dug the track, gouged it deep and wide, in my case just outside the city I worked in every day at the time. Fear, uncertainty, disbelief. Helplessness. Willingness to give, and to act, if we can, but wondering if that matters. Anger. Hope, and wishing that our collective hope might be enough. Determination.

The too-familiar feelings began on September 11, but they didn’t end there. We know the patterns now, have had too many opportunities for practice. In Washington, September 11 was followed quickly by the anthrax attacks; a year later came the D.C. snipers. (The former left me, then a non-profit lobbyist who was six-months pregnant, forbidden to go to Capitol Hill to ensure I wouldn’t be exposed to the toxin; during the three-week reign of terror of the latter, I learned how not to expose my ten-month-old baby to parking lots or open spaces and how to pack my car so that I would always have everything I might need for a sudden dragnet that could last for hours.)

Around the nation, it is hard to tally the horrors. Each has a name and has taken lives, but also wounded the lives of countless others. Some of these actually pre-date that day in 2001 we claim as the day we lost our innocence; others came after. The first World Trade Center bombing. Oklahoma City. Columbine. Lancaster, Virginia Tech, Fort Hood, Tucson, Aurora, Oak Creek. Newtown. Many, many more shootings.

Now Boston.

The feelings came quickly yesterday, settling into their familiar places and cycling in a way that was recognizable and terrifying, energizing and and numbing. (more…)

(Photo credit: kbowenwriter via Flickr.com)

First, an announcement: As we say here in New England, I am wicked excited to share with you the news that I’ve been awarded an Artists Entrepreneurial Grant by the New Hampshire State Council on the Arts. Part of what the grant will fund is a renovation of this blog, so if you see scaffolding going up in the coming weeks or months, that’s why. I’ll let you know if you need to wear a hardhat when you’re on site.

Second, a totally judgmental calling out and tip for parents in restaurants: If your children are a) standing at my table with one of their chins over my child’s head, as if to join my family; b) following patrons into the bathroom and harassing them; c) tripping the waitstaff in the aisles; d) chucking toys (or items from tables) over the ledge separating the brick oven area from the dining area; e) wandering into the entrance area and interfering with the ability of the hostess to greet customers such that waiters have to escort your child back to his table; and f) traveling from unoccupied table to unoccupied table throughout the restaurant, without regard to neighboring patrons, and running toy cars on said tables, playing games there, etc., while you do not once turn your head to check on your children nor reprimand them in any way, then you are not doing an adequate job of parenting your children during dinner.

Yes, as I said at the beginning, I understand I’m being judgmental here. But honestly, I couldn’t believe my eyes. When I see behavior in this vein, I try to remind myself, even if I’m annoyed, that perhaps I don’t know the whole story. Maybe there is a special need I don’t know about, or perhaps the parents have had a terrible week due to a situation I can’t even imagine and this is their one, much needed break. But I found it hard to invent excuses for this complete disregard of everyone else in the restaurant.

Okay, enough time on my high horse. Moving on…

Books. Two nights ago, when eleven-year-old “Jack” and I finished reading The Hobbit, I realized with dismay that I had no book lying in wait for the following evening. Jack is selective about what he’ll read, so I knew I had a bit of work in front of me to find something acceptable if we were going to start a new book right away. (My own recommendation is not sufficient to sell a book to Jack; in fact, it often has the opposite effect. How old is he again?)

I asked Jack what qualities he’d like in our next book.

“Adventure. Suspense.” (more…)

(Photo credit: Sean Dreilinger via Flickr.com)

Every now and then, I hear a story or read an article that makes me think, Damn, I’m turning my kids into slackers.

A parent I know tells me about her kids who make their own breakfasts, pack their own lunches and all but drive themselves to school. An article notes that ten-year-olds are perfectly capable of cleaning the bathroom. Someone else mentions that his kid shoveled the driveway after the latest snowstorm–actually removed the snow, as opposed to digging a fort out of it.

My children do not do these things.

To be clear, my kids do have responsibilities around the house. Actually, that’s what we tend to call them: “responsibilities around the house”–just like my husband and I have, only far fewer. But often, I wonder if they have enough of those responsibilities.

Let’s face it: from a parenting perspective, chores are tough. There’s the complaining, the whining, the arguing. There’s the undeniable fact that with young kids or even older kids learning to do something new, it can take more time to teach them to accomplish something than it takes for you to do it yourself. There’s the reality that today’s kids are busy, families are over-scheduled, and if you’re desperately searching that Google calendar looking for a place to pencil in some family time, do you really want to spend it trying to convince the kids to do chores?

But then there’s the flip side: it’s important to teach kids responsibility and the daily life skills that come from accomplishing chores. Plus, there’s a lot to do around the house, and shouldn’t the younger people who live there contribute?

So how do you make it happen?

I suspect there are as many thoughts about chores as there are parents, but here are few strategies to consider for getting school-aged kids to participate in chores. (more…)